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It is still difficult to talk about what has happened to me over the space of my life but I would not have got to the place I am today without the support of MCTC.
When I first approached MCTC, I was a mess and I had behaved abhorrently. I was abused as a child by my own mother both physically, emotionally and sexually. She was a narcissist that took particular pleasure in controlling every aspect of my life. She controlled my father, who’s only way of escaping her was to take to the bottle and when he got drunk he would beat me too. I never knew when the next form of abuse would take place and I grew up scared and silent. I managed to escape and I did well for myself for while. I went to university, I did a PGCE and wanted to become a teacher for a while. I met a girl and tried to settle down.
Unfortunately, I had never dealt with any of the issues that happened to me as a child. My partner at the time had a child and as he was growing up it resurfaced a lot of issues i had kept hidden for years and it began to give me worse flashbacks than I ever had before. It made me angry and I did not know how to deal with that anger. My partner was also a narcissist and I think perhaps in some Freudian way it was what attracted me to her.
Over the years as a child I had tried to end my life on a number of occasions, but I had begun to fall back into that pattern of not being able to deal with everyday life. I hated myself for getting into a toxic relationship but couldn’t leave because I loved the stepson, my partner had fallen pregnant and I worried I would be a terrible father like my own. I kept thinking the only way out was to kill myself. I was drinking and turning into my father.
I had tried to sort myself out. The NHS kept dismissing me and handing me off with anti-depressants which only made me worse. I was crying for help, but nobody came. I even tried hypnosis. Nothing worked. I met my therapist at MCTC and things started to go well. I felt like she listened to me and genuinely wanted to help me. Unfortunately, at the time my partner didn’t want me to get help as she needed me to look after her and the baby when it was born.
I stopped seeing my therapist and things went from bad to worse. I got into trouble with the law after behaving abhorrently. All my life I had fled from the fight all the feelings of abuse and stress finally caved and I lashed out hurting those closest to me. Just before that I had ended up in a mental health ward after trying to kill myself again twice. Hanging myself the second time in the hospital ward toilets after I was supposed to have been locked in a safe room after trying to kill myself earlier that day. I had gone purple and it was only by chance a nurse found me and cut me down. Only then was I put in the mental health ward. They released me after a week, with more meds, with no support and back to the home life environment I had tried to escape from. There was no excuse for me lashing out but the factors building up to it could have been avoided.
I was left with no home and no future. I ended up in a homeless shelter and I kept falling into the pattern of suicide attempts. After a long wait I finally got to see a psychiatrist. He kept telling me I wasn’t ready for help. I kept pushing and eventually after months of jumping through hoops they agreed to give me a course of treatment. On the eve of my first appointment the original psychiatrist sent me a letter saying that my therapy had been cancelled as after a review they still didn’t think I was ready. I was crushed. I called the ‘crisis’ team I was supposed to be under that was supposed to be the hotline number to call when I felt suicidal. It took them a day to respond to my voicemail. By then it was too late. I was homeless, suicidal and I had lost everything with nowhere to go.
The only person who had ever helped me was my therapist at MCTC. I contacted her, and she immediately took me back on with no hesitation. She never told me that I was not ready, and she never forced me to do anything that wasn’t at my own pace. She helped me come to terms with my emotions, she helped me understand that the anger I was feeling was justified and how to vent that in a healthy way. She helped me to breathe and helped me to overcome my anxiety issues. She started to help me get my life back on track. The agreement we signed to call her if I felt suicidal was so important to me and I knew she would contact me as soon as she could if I needed her. She gave me one of the most important things that you can offer anyone in that situation… hope.
I will never be able to repay all the kindness that my therapist showed me and all the things she did for me. If I had stayed with the NHS I would not have been here today. MCTC literally saved my life. I now live in a beautiful part of the world, the Lake District with the kindest fiancée, that is so opposite to any toxic relationship I have ever known. I have a steady job and I have a really good friendship network developing. My mental health has never been better. I may not have everything in my life that I would like yet. Access to my daughter is still hard to obtain because of my past mental health issues, but I am getting there.
But as they always said to me at MCTC: Everything will be alright in the end and if it is not alright then it is not the end.
And I truly believe that now.
Please help if you can so more people like me can get help and support.
PAIN IS REAL BUT SO IS HOPE – Please Help MCTC to provide HOPE.
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