Ella’s Story

suicide-1

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I When I went to uni, I decided to go as far away from home as I could get cos things weren’t great at home. I got in on clearing cos my results weren’t great, and to be honest, I didn’t really care what course I did as long as I got away.

I kind of thought I’d make loads of new friends straight away but it was really hard. Even though it was tough at home, I started to miss my parents and my two brothers. I felt guilty for leaving them behind too.

I made a few friends in the end. We went out drinking every weekend and most nights too. I started missing lectures and basically never leaving my room – I was either pissed or hung over most of the time.

I kept getting emails from my tutors but I just ignored them and in the end I dropped out.

I couldn’t go home cos I didn’t want to tell my family. I had no money and nowhere to live – started sleeping on friends’ sofas and floors and sometimes I was even sleeping rough. I got mugged doing that one night.

I thought that was about as low as I could get.

Then, to cut a long story short, I accidentally bumped into a mate who had been a year or so ahead of me at uni. She said she could get me a job – I’m really embarrassed about this now – as a sex worker. It was phone sex at first and at last I had some money in my pocket – though not for long as I was still drinking a lot. Then she told me I could earn a lot more ‘on the job’. I was really nervous and hated it from the start but I stuck at it – alcohol got me through most of it and I’d started using by then as well.

Then, one night, after being beaten up yet again, I decided enough was enough. I took a load of pills and a bottle of vodka and woke up in hospital.

After all the tests and stuff, one of the nurses gave me a card for MCTC and then they sent me home.

Another all time low.

I didn’t know what I wanted but I knew I had to change. I wanted to see my family again but I didn’t know how and I wanted a proper life.

I sat for ages looking at the card. Then, I thought it must work for somebody… maybe even me.

I got an appointment really quickly and started seeing my counsellor every week. I was afraid to tell her my story because she seemed so nice – I didn’t think she’d understand. But she wasn’t shocked or anything. She even gave me her number to call any time if I felt suicidal again – like the Samaritans or something – only I’d be talking to someone I actually knew and who knew me. She asked me to agree that I’d call her before doing anything silly. I did call her one night and kind of felt better afterwards – like, for once in my life I’d kept my promise. Then the appointments carried on and I’m still seeing her now – 7 months on. I’ve still got a long way to go but at least I know what I want now. I’ve been in touch with my family and I really want to work with animals – properly – I’ve been looking at courses and getting experience.

I’m so glad I made the decision to go to counselling at MCTC – it’s really helped me.

I saw the crowdfunding campaign PAIN IS REAL BUT SO IS HOPE and that really summed it up for me. That’s why I’m telling my story now – to try and give something back.

Please help if you can so more people like me can get help and support.

PAIN IS REAL BUT SO IS HOPE – Please Help MCTC to provide HOPE.

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